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they call me, they call me... tihf-neeeeee.
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| in torrents |
[07.27.07 @ 03 PM] |
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mood |
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 dirty |
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music |
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rainpour |
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It’s pouring rain outside, and I’ve been engrossed in Harry Potter since I woke up at noon. I didn’t go to school today because it would have been a useless day, anyway: I.W., community mass, and solidarity lunch. It was Anj who yesterday gave me the idea that I could and should skip school today.
It’s Teacher Kit’s birthday today, and I still haven’t seen her since I got back from San Francisco almost three weeks ago. I wish I could see her soon, but school and rehearsals at BP have been taking up all my time.
Last night I did well in my run of the Donya Consolacion piece I’m doing for the company’s show a few weeks from now. I’m feeling more and more at ease dancing it with every new time I run and work on it. I told Mom last night that classical pieces/variations come so easily, so quickly to me because I’m so used to dancing the form that I can usually “play” with it even during the first rehearsal in which I learn it. But a modern piece will usually be composed of elements and movements I have executed or even seen performed in my life… so it naturally takes me many more rehearsals to even begin to experiment with it.
I started a journal entry last night because it was one of those times wherein I felt satiated, though uncomfortably, with things to say; when I was under the duress of thoughts that I could not lift from my tired mind… and I was too lazy to hand-write in the glittery blue notebook I began writing in while at LINES and have been confiding in my thoughts and feelings and memories for the past month.
I fell asleep before I finished last night’s entry, though, and here it is now:
( 11:30 P.M., Thursday, July 26, 2007 )
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| i'm writing |
[04.16.07 @ 03 PM] |
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mood |
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 energetic |
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music |
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when darkness turns to light, it ends tonight. |
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just in case
anyone views this page,
i don't look like a
crazy emo freak;
it's all good.
i'm leaving for SF on june 5th. how time flies. i can't wait to go back there.
and at the same time, i'm loving ballet and summer here! w00t! :)
summer fics.
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| bottomless well |
[01.25.07 @ 04 AM] |
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mood |
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 very obviously emo. |
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music |
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there is no more music. |
] |
It is amazing how quickly I've sunk into this seemingly bottomless well of a depression. If there is a rope, I cannot see it in this darkness; if there is a way out, I do not know it.
( continuar. )
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| another time, another place, another day. |
[09.26.06 @ 01 AM] |
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mood |
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 indifferent |
] |
i have too many things to say thoughts in my head
and no longer enough audacity to have them all heard patience to write them all down in an orderly enough fashion for other people to comprehend.
i've vented, raged and grumbled in this little livejournal space of mine for long enough;
'tis the season to be jolly return full-time to the art of
inelegant, embarrassment-free,
HAND-WRITTEN JOURNALING! (yes! in a notebook!)</b>
adieu!
♥
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| "to days of inspiration..." |
[09.13.06 @ 12 PM] |
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music |
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RENT: "la vie boheme" ♥ |
] |
it's time [to try] to practice the art of writing short journal entries. can i pull this off? here goes.
yesterday at BP, i was taught the fairy godmother variation for our production of cinderella (scholar evaluation program) on the 23rd. the cinderella to my fairy godmother is carissa, this beautiful company dancer who wins more of my respect every time i see her dance. ♥
so what does this mean exactly?
ahh, finally! something to actually work on! solo variations are a blessing because in them i can make endless demands of myself and never stop never stop never stop. it's unlike the quintet (dance of five) i also have to do--when perfection / making crazy demands of myself isn't even necessary because merely my mediocre performance seems good enough alongside the 4 other girls i'm dancing with... mean as that might sound. i need the push, the challenge, the high standards to try to conform to--even if they're merely in my mind's eye. otherwise i'll shut down creatively and productively, without inspiration to work or improve, and just get bored with dancing.
anyhoo, my point is i'm happy/excited with the new addition to my work. :bounces:
( nevermind about the art of short-entry-writing; i need to rant [and post RENT lyrics] )
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| plugged into the wall |
[09.03.06 @ 06 PM] |
Who are you, really?
Who are you, vanishing and reappearing from beneath the curtains, dancing nimbly to Vivaldi, floating to Tchaikovsky, and coming and going as you please?
Who?
Reality check.
Wake up, and smell and the roses:
Ballet isn't out to get you.
Think about it.
The only thing hurting you, really, is you.
You'll have to go back there sometime. How much more do you want to prolong this? Don't turn down help the next time it's offered to you.
You're pathetic.
"Ballet is a curse!"
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| overkill |
[09.02.06 @ 03 PM] |
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happy
birthday,
furb!♥
[that's mariel to you.]
she's sixteen "seventeen" today. :)
i can't get to sleep;
i think about the implications
of diving in too deep
and possibly the complications
especially at night,
i worry over situations
i know will be alright;
perhaps it's just imagination ( speculations )
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| bailar, bailar, bailar |
[08.09.06 @ 01 AM] |
Whenever I engage almost anyone in conversation these days I tend to turn the subjects in the direction of college and future and career and next summer (American-time summer). Mariel and Gaby and I are planning on going to Florence in July, but Mariel's thinking of the Cannes program, too. These are my (our?) current obsessions. We talk about them and plan for them and gush about how excited we are for them every chance we get. We can apply as early as December, I think. ASA and ACA are in consideration, too.
Sarah (another scholar at BP) and I had a "heart-to-heart" (her words) the other night. We stayed so long after class, sitting in the middle of the studio, and got so engrossed in what we were talking about that we didn't notice the entire room as it emptied around us. I asked her about pre-med and how she's coping with not dancing as much as she used to, and we talked about how there isn't a real future for ballet/dance in this country, and we talked about medicine, dancing here, making it there, fine arts, UP, time, choices, feeling torn, decisions we have to make, and how it's impossible to divide a person between two demanding careers, like becoming a doctor and becoming a dancer because both demand all of your time and all of your focus.
Ultimately, I left that studio feeling more confused than ever, but I think Sarah felt good to talk to someone about her loneliness and how her heart still beats for ballet, and get all that drama off her chest.
I've just decided that, for the next few months, I have to work my ass off if I want to get admission into the 2007 summer course at the School of American Ballet. I plan to audition for it again -- this time, in person (meaning I'd have to go to New York some time between December and March) because I think I can do better in a live audition rather than a taped one.
My mom and I were discussing the other schools in the States that Rico suggested I check out/audition for, too, among them the San Francisco Ballet School. At that thought I felt my chest burst with excitement at the prospect of getting to be with Lyza and Cas.
So why the revert back to SAB? One of the reasons is that I need new air. Again.
( Are you in the mood for a novel? )
( If the answer is no, then THIS is the LJ-cut for you! )
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| "poker" night |
[08.06.06 @ 04 PM] |
the original plan was playing-poker-and-drinking until the wee hours of the morning, then somewhere in the past week, ice cream, ice cream toppings and sleeping-over was brought into the picture...
but what really happened?
( pictures now. )
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| good day, sunlight |
[08.06.06 @ 05 AM] |
elyse is in the shower, frances is asleep on my bed, arceo and marco just left. they're walking back to arce's house to sleep for two more hours before they have to go to mass at 9am. ice cream parlor poker pajama party turned into yosi-session for the boys and taboo competition for all of us. it was actually fun. my eyes hurt. i can tell without looking at them that they're bloodshot. -_-
pictures later.
♥
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[08.01.06 @ 11 PM] |
there's only about an hour left for this, but in any case,
happy
16th (omfg!)
birthday,
lyza :)
♥
i love you, booba
...and miss you, miss you, miss you
across all these oceans
i don't know the names of.
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| voice-over |
[07.23.06 @ 09 PM] |
and my official inspirational quote of the day (and hopefully the rest of all my days), which made me instantly stop binging on my secret stash of peanuts (i know it's pathetic... NO ONE tell marta) without even so much as half a nanosecond's thought:
"sacrifice means different things to different people . . . like giving up something you want now for something you've wanted your whole life."
-- voiced-over by J.D. (john dorian, by the way, elyse! he does have a name -- told you so) just as elliot breaks up with scott foley's character on scrubs. (i HATED her for that.)
( & a dialogue between dr cox and turk )
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| rain and fading light |
[07.13.06 @ 02 PM] |
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music |
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music from 'a chorus line' |
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at 12:30 yesterday classes at school were suspended, and my classmates loudly and exaggeratedly intoned the "angel of god" prayer i ended our last period (soc sci) with, and then they started to shout and scream for joy, making a racket almost sufficient to drown out the noise of the rain. i will never understand why i didn't feel like rejoicing with them. well, maybe it's because at the same time, pj texted and told me dance classes at bp had been cancelled, too. D:
but no matter. because ann has mystic powers. she healed sam's sore finger at lunch today by untangling the... okay it had something to do with the energy and the heat surrounding her hand...
it was
SO cool.
( ann is chi master. )
* * *
recently faved this photo on DA 'cause i love the light and the story it recalls. isn't it loverly? the girl in the photo and the guy who took it used to be together. ..i was so affected last year when i learned they'd broken up. :)) maybe it's because i'm like in love with severin koller. but still. freakish stalker much?
kiss today goodbye
the sweetness and the sorrow
wish me luck, the same to you
but i can't regret
what i did for love
look, my eyes are dry
the gift was ours to borrow
it's as if we always knew
and i won't forget
what i did for love
kiss today goodbye
and point me t'ward tomorrow
we did what we had to do
won't forget, can't regret
what i did for love
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| planner entries & a tag for weirdness |
[07.09.06 @ 09 PM] |
new layout new layout new layout
(not mine not mine not mine)
( days and days )
and i've been tagged by the shoe-addicted cas:
* state teh rules
* make a list of 6 WEIRD HABITS/THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF
* tag 6 people
- i burst into song at seemingly random moments (never when i'm in a bad mood), and i always seem to sing, out of subconscious habit and my plain old-school weirdness, either "moon river" or "the way you look tonight". srsly. ask gaby. :/
- yesterday, when elyse was here, i managed to rip the toilet seat off the toilet bowl in my bathroom. ... i think elyse has a [rather horrible] photo of the bizarre event.
- i have pineapple trauma from when i was 2 1/2 years old, or however old i was going to nursery in the montessori in white plains.
- i have never seen a single episode of csi or alias.
- apparently, i can finish 7 slices of 14" yellow cab pizza in one sitting, and i can do the same with 7 go nuts! donuts! donuts. but those days are (should be) over.
- whenever i'm doing and thinking of nothing, there's always the same pattern of a 4-beat rhythm going on inside my head. this, i got from the do-sol-mi-sol, do-sol-mi-sol pattern that my mind and fingers came to know so well from taking piano lessons when i was 4 or 5 years old.
..and when i was about 6 or 7, do-sol-mi-sol seemed much too complicated for me to think over and over again in my head, so i changed it to left-right-middle-right, except that the word "middle" had 2 syllables, while the beat had only room for 1, so i changed it, yet again, to left-right-dot-right. and that. has never left me.
..and as long as i'm not preoccupied, some part of my body will find a way to recreate that same, eleven-year-aged pattern of going left-right-dot-right, left-right-dot-right, and this is the utterly incomprehensible weirdness that LC and my mom are baffled by when they ask me: "your toes are so magulo! why are they always moving?!"
now that, cas, is weird.
i know i'm not allowed to tag anyone who's already been tagged by someone else, but i say, what-ev. hence, i tag:
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) lyzieeex
jarfilledhead
royalcrosscut
bittersweet_13
lexa_wexa
discardedlies
guys, btw, when you tag pala, you're supposed to leave a message on that person's journal or whatever. oo nga naman! someone did it on DA e. haha
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| el fin de semana |
[07.08.06 @ 12 AM] |
"the end of the week"
(but not really for me. maybe the end of the week at school, but not at BP: i have 9am, 10am and 11am classes tomorrow, rehearsals, and BIBLE STUDY, which dance scholars are required to attend.)
what else is on my agenda for tomorrow?
well, allow me to apply what i have been learning in spanish for the past few weeks:
...despues, por la noche (8-9pm, depending on what time elyse gets here or how long i take to get ready), elyse y yo vamos a casa de ann para ver la television (la futbol!!!) a las tres de la mañana (3:00 AM)! :) by which time i will probably be fast asleep while she, ann and penny -- the true world cup enthusiasts -- are screaming, crying &/ rejoicing over the finals(?).
( doodle-diary )
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| Super bright! |
[07.05.06 @ 10 PM] |
It's Nutrtion Month at school again, and this year's theme is
"Kumain ng right, upang maging batang bright!"
and the poster-making was surprisingly engaging and enjoyable. My luverly groupmates were KT, Mars and Iggy. We make such a good team! I had oodles fun. ♥
( Our aaaawesome poster )
Damnit! I was supposed to stop whatever I was doing and start studying for Adv. Algebra at 10:00!!!
*poof*
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| no more, no less |
[07.04.06 @ 10 PM] |
oh, look at what i've memorized for the day -- thanks to CL class discussions and quizzes on the "the ten povedan core values":
oh youth, powerful weapon, mighty hand, strength of the world. you ask me what you can do? you can conquer the world -- no more, no less.
( blogging through doodles )
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| chem & stuff |
[07.03.06 @ 06 PM] |
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mood |
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 pleased |
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music |
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my own uncontrollable snickering |
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A tribute to LC's journal entry --
Sir Chuck's Wisest Words (nineteen items to match his age):
c/o Gaby M., Liaa M. & myself, silently laughing our silly asses off in chem today
1. "That's really grohss, class."
2. "Yes. You need your endex cards."
3. "It can be done by you and not by any other else."
4. "And number four -- list of Where-did-you-get-it."
5. "You can stomp each other after class."
6. "Matter. Is the stuff. The universe. Is made of."
7. "Well, so much for ships."
8. "Force is Caltex -- what drives you."
9. "Git your beg... git your beg... git your... your beg... GET your BIG notebook."
10. "Teachers are supposed to give orders -- not be ordered!"
11. "Do not mess the notebook; you know OC's!"
12. "Okay, you can put stars."
13. "If it's not my word, it's not her word, but it means the same, then it's OK."
14. "It losed one electron!"
15. "Take this example -- your that thing."
16. "The mercury, here, gets excited."
17. (Points to blackboard eraser) "It's HIS fault!"
18. "Plasma -- it's flying all over!"
19. (Enumerating answers for density) "High. High. Low. Low. ... High-squared, low-squared!"
haha... oh my. don't get me wrong; i think he's a good teacher, actually... he's just a bit loopy.
today kitty and i stayed after school to finish our geom homework, which isn't even due for another day. aren't you proud of me? honestly, i'm such a good student this year ("perfect student!"), never late in the mornings anymore, doing my work on time when i never used to do it at all! go me! (:
( I ♥ MY SCANNER! )
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[06.25.06 @ 10 PM] |
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music |
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disney - beauty and the beast |
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someone's status on YM is "bittersweet and strange" and his display pic is a picture of the disney beast
Tale as old as time
True as it can be
Barely even friends
Then somebody bends
Unexpectedly
Just a little change
Small to say the least
Both a little scared
Neither one prepared
Beauty and the Beast
Ever just the same
Ever a surprise
Ever as before
Ever just as sure
As the sun will rise
Tale as old as time
Tune as old as song
Bittersweet and strange
Finding you can change
Learning you were wrong
Certain as the sun
Rising in the east
Tale as old as time
Song as old as rhyme
Beauty and the Beast
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[06.25.06 @ 06 PM] |
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music |
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school work is my music from now on |
] |
I just want to say
FUCKASDFGHJKLSHITWEOUIHSDFKL ;LK
and ask
is junior year going to be this way every week, every month, until March?
Look at this... I had to save it. It reminds me of dela Peña days in 1st year, except that this has been going on since Saturday night (and on Saturday night people used their status messages to curse the world for putting us in third year):
Cas gave me a call this afternoon from California. That was fun. ♥ you, bubu! (:
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[06.20.06 @ 10 PM] |
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music |
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vivaldi's four seasons |
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i've just come from pointe class in bp, and i'm high on a lingering adrenaline rush, so before i unwillingly dive into hell (i.e. writing a script, which will last me well into the morning, for my group's skit in school tomorrow -- yeah thanks, steff kt sammy & casi, you bitches!), i have to write about my new-found inspiration, motivation, drive, or whatever you want to call it:
( li cunxin )
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| pictures for lyzie und cas |
[06.15.06 @ 10 PM] |
| [ |
music |
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west side story - gee officer krupke ! |
] |
( here )
just so you can be horrified by our faces again because you might've forgotten the feeling. not to mention see marta's BRACES (HAHA) and new hair and my tan! CAN YOU TELL?!
kitty went home kaagad so there... it's just taem. /:)
KNOW WHAT. WE HAVE A CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN NOW. IN THE CANTEEN. YEAH.
i miss you guys. :|
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| leche. |
[05.29.06 @ 11 PM] |
o, diyos ko! ano ba naman ito? 'di ba? 'tang ina! nagmukha akong tanga. lecheng pag-ibig 'to.
ba't ba ang labo niya? 'di ko maipinta. hanggang kailan maghihintay magtitiis? ako ay nabuburat na!
pero... minamahal ko siya... 'di biro... T.L. ako sa kanya.
alam kong nababaduyan ka na sa mga sinasabi ko, pero sana naman na maintindihan mo.
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| not ready |
[05.17.06 @ 02 PM] |
we all held white balloons in our hands yesterday morning, during the internment of tita joy's ashes. i didn't know that they served any other purpose than to make the scene look happy.
when we emerged from down where the ashes were, we all stood underneath the sky. it was clear, clear blue and painted swirly white in some parts. someone let a balloon go and we all followed suit. i was confused until someone called out to the sky: "'bye, joy!"
it was my first internment; i don't even know what that word means or if i've spelled it right.
the white balloons floated upward like a hundred flower petals being carried away by the wind, all together in one direction. i watched them longer than anyone else did. it felt like i was watching tita joy go into the clouds.
the shiny round balloons turned into little white balls, bouncing around each other, suspended and spaced by an invisible force, the way magnets would be. with every second, the balls shrunk in size, and together seemed to form a million different images in the sky. i imagined they were trying with all their airy might to form the word 'JOY'. i held my hand over my eyes and glared into the noontime sun, watching as the opaque white bubbles turned quickly into tiny gray dots, and finally disappeared.
that's when i tore my eyes from the sky. now i realize it's no easy feat -- to face that truth and want to feel that pain and "break down and cry"; it's hard to face that someone you love is gone forever. you can't just bring yourself to keep looking at that empty sky when you weren't ready for the dots to vanish yet. it's kind of easier to turn away and pretend they're still there, happily bouncing around.
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| old friends |
[05.17.06 @ 11 AM] |
i had a really, really good time last night with vanessa, cassie, gabbie and mica. it's amazing. over seven years since i'd last been with them, and there i was again, on vanessa's bed, in that same old room, minus the tacky old orange floor carpeting, loving their company, joking around with mica, having [always] good conversations with gabbie, talking to van about everything, laughing at/with cassie and also constantly fearing (in the familiar way) her unpredictable judgement. i love them really. they were my best friends growing up. we had our ballet, english mother tongues and intense love for playing in common, then, and now we have that english, still, and boys. but we're older and a little more matured (i think). it feels like we never stopped being friends.
( ...in my room, listening to ani de franco, waiting for marcelo to come fetch me so i can leave for ballet class )
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bouncy
sick